Football News.....

Match Reports to follow soon .....

Player profiles now on line below!!!

Name – John McDonald

AKA – Johnny Mac or Macca

Position – Defender

Place of Birth – Dublin

Age – mid 20’s but looks a lot older

Favourite Barmaid – Sharon (no longer there)

Usual Comments on the pitch – Johnny Mac’s and nothing else

Usually Found – Slating Jake for giving his girlfriend the milf award at the Christmas or talking up the ra.

Name – Mike Berry

AKA- Bezer or that Goalkeeper that’s always pissed

Position – Goalkeeper

Place of Birth – Unknown (not of this planet)

Age – 30’s I think

Favourite Barmaid – Not fussy

Usual comments on the pitch – general swearing

Usually Found – cat as a mouse in the pub

Name – Adam

AKA – Scad

Position – Full Back

Place of Birth – Unknown but don’t think they played football there

Age – 30’s

Favourite Barmaid – refuses to drink in the Wheatsheaf

Usual Comments on the pitch – No words just a raised hand in acknowledgment of someone telling him to do something

Usually Found – As close to Kegsie as possible

Name – Conrad Gavin

AKA – Mr Angry or Old man to the opposition

Position – Centre Back but occasionally gets delusions of grandeur and thinks he’s playing centre mid

Place of Birth – Altrincham

Age – 39

Favourite Barmaid – None I hope hes happily married

Usual Comments on the pitch – general swearing and violent behaviour

Usually Found – At home with the wife and kids

Name – Scott Ferguson

AKA – Conrads understudy

Position – Centre Back

Place of Birth – Wigan

Age – 22

Favourite Barmaid – Don’t think he fancies anyone who isn’t related to him

Usual Comments on the pitch – Generally constructive but is developing his temper quickly

Usually found – Ploughing his sister or in the George & Dragon with his mum and dad

Name – Stuart Howe

AKA – Irish Stu

Position – Utility man

Place of Birth – Dundalk

Age – 25 but looks about 14

Favourite Barmaid – Ashton when she’s tearing shreds off bogie or Zoe from the packet

Usual comments on the pitch – general moaning

Usually found – with a pair of binoculars, wearing a ski mask, dogging in sale water park

Name – Mark Brown

AKA – Kegsie

Position – Midfield

Place of Birth – Unsure

Age – Must be mid 30’s but is playing like mid 50’s at the moment

Favourite Barmaid – Likes them all

Usual Comments on the pitch – Its just that little 5 yard pass isn’t it or Braindead(usually referring to Danny Blott)

Usually Found – In the Cheshire Mid or Hale Con Club with sidekick scad

Name – Daniel Gavin

AKA – Sleaze ball

Position –centre midfield

Place of Birth – Altrincham

Age – 22 going on 13

Favourite Barmaid – Jess

Usual comments on the pitch – I never touched him ref

Usually Found – End of the Wheaty bar drooling over Jess

Name – Danny Blott

AKA – Brain Dead Danny

Position – Striker but rarely scores

Place of Birth – wherever it was they forgot to issue him with the full quota of brain cells

Age – unsure iq of a 6 year old though

Favourite Barmaid – think he only knows Ashton

Usual Comments on the pitch – a loud squeal as he gets nailed for not releasing the ball quick enough

Usually Found – smoking weed or brawling with Grogan outside the Railway club

Name – Steve Ward (the manager)

AKA – Wardy

Position – Retired thank god

Place of Birth – Not sure but his brother looks like an umpa lumpa

Age – 40 (im sure we all remember the party)

Favourite Barmaid – None I believe he prefers strippers

Usual Comments on the pitch – I can never hear him

Usually Found – Running round after Ashton